“Grief is exhausting”. My daughter said on Thursday night.  She is so right.  We had just finished a prayer walk at our local hospital for our friend and beloved Minister of Music, Roger McGee.  He is in the ICU and things are not progressing as well as had hoped.  We just received an update from the family that we should all prepare for the worst.    

Our church celebrates Maundy Thursday with a beautiful music-filled service with communion and readings that reflect on the night of the Last Supper and the pending crucifixion of Jesus.  This year, Roger was not there to lead the choir in this night of worship.  He was in the hospital.  Our choir, musicians, and pastors did a wonderful job of filling in, but there was an overtone of sadness to this already somber service.  For the first time, I felt a small bit of what it must have been like for Jesus’ disciples.  They were enjoying one final night with Jesus, but there must have been such a sadness in the room.  I now imagine they must have felt so alone, so lost, and so very sad.  I am sure they thought this can’t be happening.  This can’t be right.  God will save his son… this truly is not the end.  

On Good Friday this year I spent many times during the day praying for Roger and wondering how the Easter Service could be a joyful celebration of Jesus’ Resurrection without Roger at the helm leading us with his abundant Joy.  Again, I thought of the disciples.  I am sure they thought, “how can we go on telling others about God without our leader?”  Not only were they losing a friend, but they were also losing their teacher, the man who had taught them how to worship and glorify God.  I imagined how overwhelmed they must have been at the idea of carrying on the message of hope as Jesus wanted them to.   

I have been listening to the song Hallelujah Even Here by Lydia Laird.  And this is what I am feeling and how the disciples must have been feeling:

“Right now I feel a little overwhelmed
Right now I could really use some help
Right now I don’t feel like it is well with my soul
I’ve tried to find a way around the mess
I’ve prayed in faith that the night would end
Right here when I just can’t understand….”

 I believe Jesus would want us to say this, and so would Roger

“I’ll lift my hands
Hallelujah, when the storm is relentless
Hallelujah, when the battle is endless
In the middle of the in between
In the middle of the questioning
Over every worry, every fear
Hallelujah, even here”

On Sunday, Dr. Bryan Jones gave a wonderful sermon about hope – saying, “Don’t put a period where God intended a comma.”  Yes, Jesus died on Good Friday, only to rise on Easter Sunday.  As Christians we have the hope of an eternal life.  So, whether Roger is healed or not, we know one day we will see him again in heaven.  

Easter Sunday was a glorious day of worship.  It was so very sad and joyful at the same time.  The service ended with the Hallelujah chorus. The choir had not done this song for many years in our sanctuary due to renovations and no large Christmas performances recently. It was so beautiful – but so sad because we all so wanted Roger to be the one conducting.  It was a beautiful reminder that no matter what happens in life, Jesus was born as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and He shall reign for Ever and Ever!

Please continue to pray for a miracle for Roger ,and for peace, strength, comfort, and wisdom for his children.  Roger says, “Sunday is the best day of the week.”  So, this Sunday take the time to go to church and remember it truly is the best day of the week because we get to spend a whole morning worshiping and glorifying God.  

Sunday is still coming, and it will be glorious.  

He has made everything beautiful in its time…

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Happy Fall y’all!   Or in my house I call it “Pumpkin Spice Season.”  October is one of my favorite months of the year for many reasons- the leaves are changing, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING, lots of football, the crisp morning air, Halloween…  and my Birthday!  This year is the big 50 for me.  In case you did not know, 1971 was a great year.  Not only was I born, but Disney World opened (in October of course), my daughter’s college was founded, and everywhere we look we keep finding more and more things that turn 50 this year.  October has always been a great month! 

This year I find myself a bit torn over my love of October.  As you all must know, October is also Breast Cancer Awareness month.  It takes on a whole different meaning once you have actually had breast cancer.  Sadly (in my opinion), and because of the world we live in today, some people have mixed feelings about the “propaganda” surrounding the pink ribbon that is on literally everything this month.  Some complain that companies just use it to sell more products.  Some complain that just wearing pink does not actually do anything to further research of the disease.  I guess I can understand their point, but still…

I have always loved pink, and I thought it was nice to see sports teams pause from their usual uniform and support curing this disease and those that have been diagnosed with it.  So now that I find myself being one of those they wear pink for, do I still think it is nice?    The month has just started, so we will see.  

What I can say is that I appreciate the support and the awareness this month has brought to the public.  The reality is that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer, so why shouldn’t a month be dedicated to it?  I appreciate that this month has removed the stigma and embarrassment of the disease.  

I meet a nurse early on in my diagnosis who said her grandmother had died of breast cancer years ago.  She told me her grandmother was embarrassed and ashamed, so she did not tell anyone until it was too late.  Sadly, for generations before mine that was the case with many women.  A double mastectomy was a horribly disfiguring procedure (it’s still no fun at all, but much better than it used to be) that scars many women physical and emotionally.  

So, for now I feel that if sports teams wearing pink and putting pink on products saves the lives and improves attitudes and the mental well-being of women, why not wear your pink proudly!  If you do, I thank you for doing your part in raising awareness of this horrible disease and supporting those going through treatment.   If you are able to donate to support additional research, even better!  I was able to conquer this disease without embarrassment or the social stigma once attached to it, and that’s thanks in no small part to this month!  

Our family is doing great, and we hope you all are too!  Our daughter is back at college and living the marching band life.  She loves the football games, entering the roaring stadium where the football team enters, and playing as they run onto the field.  Her school really supports the marching and it is great to be in a full stadium again.  Our theater son is back on-stage, playing Pugsley in the Adams Family musical and back playing lead guitar in the youth band.  Our drummer/athlete beats on everything in sight (did you know anything can be a drum if you think creatively?) and he played with the marching and for 8^th grade band night.  He plays the cajon (a box drum you sit on) in the youth band and is tearing it up on the flag football field on a rec. team with friends.    I am back teaching preschool and kindergarten music.   Chris is still working from home but has adjusted to it.  He enjoys the quiet of everyone being gone, but also misses us.  

So, life is back to normal – we just wear masks everywhere.  

Thank you again for the prayers over my cancer last year, they truly sustained us through many sad and uncertain times.  If you wear pink this month, think of me and all the others who are and have fought breast cancer.  Have a wonderful Fall Season and get your yearly mammograms! 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, and forever.  

Hebrews 13:8

Happy Spring everyone!  I hope you have been able to enjoy some beautiful Spring days and have been able to get outside and enjoy the beauty of the season.  One of our families’ favorite Spring traditions is to walk around the DC Cherry Blossoms.  We live just outside of Washington D.C., and every year hundreds of cherry blossom trees bloom for about 2 weeks around the tidal basin and the Jefferson Memorial.  

Last year when they bloomed, I had just been diagnosed and I felt it was important to take a family picture before treatments affected me.  A friend who happens to be a very talented photographer kindly gave us a quick shoot at the cherry blossoms.  The pictures turned out beautiful, and I have loved having them on my wall to look at.  I have actually shown them to my physical therapists and the radiation tech.  to show them what I looked like with long hair.  

Last year when we took the pictures, I had just completed my port surgery the day before and was still very weak -but I was determined to walk around and to look good for the picture.  The photographer edited out the medical tape and gauze pads that were visible, so the picture looked just perfect.   You could not tell that this was a family who was about to embark on the hardest year of their lives.  

But here we are a year later!  I made a personal goal the day we took the pictures to be well enough to walk the 2 miles around the Tidal Basin by the next Spring.  There were many days when I would lay in bed and cling to that one thought, “it will be okay – by Spring you will have the energy to walk around the Tidal Basin and see the Cherry Blossoms bloom…”  

Likewise, when I was in the last stages of chemo treatment I would fast forward to Spring in my mind and say, “it will all be okay by the time Cherry Blossoms bloom…” 

And when I had radiation treatments, there was a picture of a cherry blossom branch on the ceiling above the machine.  I would focus on that while lying in an uncomfortable position and again say, “it will all be okay when the Cherry Blossoms bloom…”

So now, here we are one year later, and I am done with everything – cancer free – and strong enough to walk the 2 miles around the Tidal Basin and take in the beauty of the Cherry Blossoms.  God is so good and has been so faithful to our family this year.  It was such a wonderful walk, such a great moment, we had to do it twice!

The blooming of the Cherry Blossoms, all the budding trees and flowers are a beautiful reminder of new life and new beginnings.  I love that Easter is in the Spring.  Easter is a beautiful reminder of the new life we have in Christ.   When I look at our family picture, I see us all together and smiling. Even though life was not great at the time, we smiled because we knew it would all be okay.  Chris says he looks at the pictures and sees that he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.   And he is right – though we were all smiling, if you look closely, you may see our eyes were full of pain.  

In our Sunday School Class, we were talking about what do we think Jesus was feeling the last few days of his life – knowing that he was going to die.  I said, “I think he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.”  I have participated in lessons where we talk about how horrible his death actually was.  How he was whipped, abused, physically pushed to the limit carrying his cross up the hill.  Can you imagine carrying the thing you were going to be killed on up a hill?  And then ultimately, he was nailed up and left to hang until he breathed his last breath.  I believe Jesus was in anguish that last week, knowing how painful his death was going to be.  

But for the first time, I am looking at the story in a different light.  He was ultimately carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He was the son of God, he performed miracles, he could have saved himself.  But if he did, where would we all be today?    Let me tell you, I have been reading through the Old Testament and it does not end well for those that sinned against God before he sent Jesus.  

So, this Spring/Easter/Cherry Blossom season I am not just grateful for my victory lap around the Tidal Basin.  I am so thankful for the victory I have in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  I am so thankful that he healed my cancer, I am even more thankful that he took on the sins of world and died on the cross so that I can live and be forever forgiven of my sins.   

I love the hymn “Victory in Jesus”

I heard an old, old story, how a Savior came from glory
How He gave His life on Calvary to save a wretch like me
I heard about His groaning, of His precious blood’s atoning
Then I repented of my sins and won the victory

Oh victory in Jesus, my Savior forever
He sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood
He loved me ‘ere I knew Him and all my love is due Him
He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood

I heard about His healing, of His cleansing power revealing
How He made the lame to walk again and ’caused the blind to see
And then I cried, “Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit”
And somehow Jesus came and brought to me the victory

Oh victory in Jesus, my Savior forever
He sought me and He bought me with His redeeming blood
He loved me ‘ere I knew Him and all my love is due Him
He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood

I hope you have a wonderful Spring.  As you look at the beautiful flowers blooming around you, remember the Victory you have in Jesus.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my blog and care about me and my family.  I am still recovering from surgery. I feel good and am back to almost all normal activity.  I am still sore in a few areas including where the drain was.  I also still have the cording under my arm that is limiting full mobility.  I would appreciate prayer that the cording would go away!  I start up PT again this week so that will help me to get some of the shoulder mobility back.  Have a great Spring!

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.  

Ephesians 3:20-21

One year ago, I was getting ready for my first chemo treatment.  I was a bundle of mixed emotions.  Part fear; part excitement that I was starting this journey; part nervousness of what the chemo was going to do to my body; part total panic because as you all know the world was shut down and we were at the beginning of a global pandemic. 

I vividly remember that day.  Most chemo days after the first one would be a blur, but I remember this one.  I remember the kind nurse who let Chris stay because it was my first time even though visitors were not allowed.  I remember how my kids welcomed me home and we all waited in anxious anticipation of what effects the chemo would have on me.  I remember it was St. Patrick’s Day, and I had nothing to celebrate the occasion, but a dear friend sent a St. Patrick’s Day cookie bouquet.  I remember another friend bringing over a hot dinner which we enjoyed so very much.  I remember friends texting and emailing to check on me.  I remember a peace that I had at the end of the day that we would get through this.  

So here we are one year later!  I did it!  You all did it! My family did it!  But mostly God did it!  In one of my first blog posts (Also called The Battle Is Not Mine, It’s the Lord’s) I mentioned a song our friend’s talented son wrote.  In it he says,

And when I stand
Atop the mountain
I won’t forget
What You’ve done for me
And I know
That You are so so good
And the battle wasn’t mine it was Yours

So here I stand atop that mountain proclaiming the battle was not mine and therefore the victory is not mine it belongs to the Lord.  What a year!  There were so many times when I could feel the hand of the Lord on me telling me it is going to be okay.  When I was lying in bed for days, feeling so helpless, depleted, and alone I could feel God with me.  

Have you ever felt that Jesus is right there with you?    I have and it is such an amazing gift that we have a God who cares so much about us that He sends his presence down to comfort us in our greatest time of need.  The amazing thing about it is all we have to do is ask God for help and be still enough to feel His presence.  

What a year… I had 16 rounds of chemo, 25 rounds of radiation, 4 surgeries, 30 PT appointments, and too many tests and doctor’s visits to count.  But here I am done with everything except PT.  How is that even possible?!  At times I look back on the year and think it was something that happened to someone else, or a movie I watched.  It all seems so far away and surreal and at the same time so close and too real.  

I know that life is not perfect right now for any of us.  But I feel a sense of hope.  If God can get all of us through 2020, He can do anything.  I have been looking for “olive branches” to remind me that we can get to the end of this pandemic.  Here is what I mean by “olive branches.” 

In the story of Noah and the Ark, the dove returned with an olive branch -a wonderful sign for the future, but that did not mean they got to immediately get off the ark.  It was a piece of hope that one day they would get off the ark.  The olive branch meant there was the tip of a tree that was not covered with water.  They still had to wait on the ark for quite a while for the waters to recede.  

Here is an example of my view of an olive branch.  In our area the kids were out of in person school for almost exactly one year.  Recently when I went on a run I saw school busses practicing their routes in anticipation of school opening the next week – I actually cried!  The vaccine being produced and distributed – again I cried.  (side note I got two doses of Pfizer and did great with both of them- if you are able, I hope you will get a vaccine).  My son getting to do an in-person drama rehearsal.  The flood waters will eventually recede, and we will be on dry ground again.  But until them I encourage you to look for your own “olive branches.”

Here is an update on where I am in my journey.  I can see it coming to an end.  I still have a few follow-up doctor appointments.  I am still healing from surgery, but in a few weeks I can lift over 5 pounds and resume all normal activities.  I still have the cording under my right arm where they removed the lymph nodes, which means continuing PT.  I do not have any more scans, which seems strange to me but as the doctor explained the area where the cancer grew is gone so no need for scans.   I am feeling well, and life is returning to normal for us.  

I hope you and your families are doing well and enjoying some warmer weather.  Thank you for prayerfully carrying our family through this year!

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever

1 Chronicles 16:34

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Chris and I don’t usually do anything overly romantic for Valentine’s Day, for several reasons.  The first is, I am tired of planning events after Christmas, New Years, one February birthday and another one a few weeks later.  So, I just don’t feel like making sure yet another event is fun and memorable.  

Over the years we have tried several things, like going out to dinner, elaborate dinners at home, pizza and a movie, going out to a movie, etc.  Nothing seems to stick as our “Valentine’s Day tradition.”  Some years, we are too busy to even take a moment to celebrate.  For example, last year Chris and two of our kids were on the youth ski trip, which meant I spent the evening with our youngest and 2 of his friends.  Not very romantic…

I also feel there is so much pressure on Valentine’s Day to make it memorable.  So, I guess what I’m saying is, basically, I just don’t love Valentine’s Day.  Yes, I said it, me – who loves an excuse to get dressed up, decorate, eat good food, and celebrate – does not love a day set aside to do all those things.  

I did have a good friend who loved Valentine’s Day.  She looked it as a day to let the ones she loved know how much they were loved.  She celebrated Valentine’s Day as a family.  

This year I have decided to take the pressure off making things special and start a family Valentine’s Day tradition.  So, we will be ordering Bang Bang Shrimp and salad from Bonefish Grill, have a special dessert, and eat as a family in the dining room.  It’s easy, but something different, and sustainable year after year.    I am coming to realize that the great thing about traditions is they take the pressure off Moms to be constantly planning everything.   

Chris and I are not a very ‘romantic’ couple. Don’t get me wrong – we are a very ‘loving’ couple, but we have never been ones for doing grand gestures to show our love.  We just know the love is there, all the time.   This year, however, the love was very one sided.  Chris demonstrated what true love is.  He wonderfully lived out our wedding vows of “…in sickness and in health…”

Our latest binge-watching has us watching the show Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist. It is about an adorable mid-20 year old who suddenly hears people singing songs to her.   Of course, as in all good shows, there is a love triangle.   At one point, one of her admirers sings her this song:

When I wake up, well, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you

And when I go out, yeah, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you

And if I grow old, well, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s growing old with you

But I would walk 500 miles, I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

When I come home, yeah, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s coming home to you

And when I’m dreaming, well, I know I’m gonna dream
I’m gonna dream about the time when I’m with you

But I would walk 500 miles, I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

I have heard this song before (duh, I grew up in the 80’s), but the arrangement in the show, especially the way they chose to end the song, was so beautiful it made me think about what it really means to love someone enough to walk 500 miles, and then another 500 miles. Have you ever walked 500 miles??  I run half marathons which are only 13.1 miles.  I am worn out after that.   Last year on Valentine’s Day I had my biopsy.  In a year Chris has not actually walked 500 miles, but I know he drove me over 500 miles.   I would not be surprised if he spent 500 hours sitting in the car on conference calls waiting for me at chemo, surgeries, or doctor appointments.  

I am pretty sure he spent 500 hours worrying about and praying for me.  He spent over 500 hours in lonely nights when I was at my worst after chemo.  He took care of the kids and cooked for more than 500 hours.  I bet he spent 500 hours just moving us into our new home.  The amazing thing is he has already said he would do it all again.  He would walk those 500 more.  

This Valentine’s Day, if you have someone in your life who would walk 500 miles for you, thank them and say I love you.  Maybe Valentine’s Day should be more about love and saying thank you for loving me.  So, thank you Chris for being the man who would walk 500 miles for me, and 500 more.  I am so lucky to have the love of a lifetime in you.  

Thank you all for loving me and my family for the past year.  Thank you for caring enough to read my blog and keeping up with my journey.  

One quick update on me.  I am still doing PT twice a week to help with the cording.  It is working and slowly we are seeing progress.  On March 1^st I will have reconstruction surgery.  Then I am done- put back together and cancer free. Prayers appreciated for successful surgery and that I come out of the anesthesia easily, with no nausea or vomiting. Although I like being called Sleeping Beauty by the nurses, I really would rather wake up easily and feel good on the car ride home!  

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government will be upon his shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas!  We are doing well, and I hope you all are too.

First, a status update – basically, all treatment is done(yea!), and we are just doing the things to get me put back together.  I completed radiation the first week in December.  It went very well.  I was a bit tired at the end and had to take an afternoon nap for a few days, but I did not really mind that.  My skin got quite burned and blistered in a few places.  It was not very painful, maybe all my teen years of getting burned at the pool and beach trying to maintain the perfect tan numbed me.  My skin is now almost completely healed. 

I had my port removed two weeks ago.  That surgery was uneventful.  It was almost enjoyable thanks to the drugs they gave me.  The stitched-up area is also healing up nicely.  I have to say I am slowly being pieced back together and the scars of the past year are fading.  I still have PT twice a week for something called cording under my right arm where they removed the lymph nodes.  PT involves quite a bit of stretching the area out and is painful, but it is helping and the two therapists working on me are great.  They are hopeful the cording will resolve itself soon.   I have a break from doctors and hospitals for a little while until reconstruction in February or March.  For now, I am enjoying just being able to stay home every day.  

Now, on to normal life.  I LOVE the Christmas season.  What is not to love?  There is so much good food, so many parties with friends, wonderful music, concerts and plays.  Not to mention you can wear so much sparkly jewelry, clothes, and shoes.  And don’t forget all the Christmas themed clothes.  I even have a Christmas purse from Disney that Chris gave me one year for Christmas.  

I love the decorations – the more the merrier!  This year we decorated 4 big trees and each child had a small tree in their room.  I love pulling out decorations from years past and reminiscing on where they came from and who gave them to me.  A friend described her family tree as a giant charm bracelet full of memories from past years.  When we go on vacation, we buy an ornament as a reminder of the trip.  Each year at the beach we go to the Christmas Mouse store and the kids pick out an ornament.  It is always fun to look back on what they have chosen and remember that time in all of our lives.  

This year is different though. As we were excitedly decorating the new house there was a sadness as well.   We did not have any family vacation ornaments to put on the tree.   We went to the beach but did not venture out to any stores, so there were no ornaments the kids picked out.  The dining room could not be fully decorated because the table is being used as a school desk.  The Christmas platters I pull out for the various parties we have ever year would remain empty.  There was no need for a new Christmas clothes since there were no Christmas Concerts.  No new sparkly top needed for me as I direct the preschool classes during the Christmas Performance. No last-minute trip to the store to get black pants for the band concert because the boys grew 3 inches since the Spring Concert.  No White Elephant gifts to wrap or cookies to exchange.   No trips to the Mall, just lots and lots of Amazon boxes!  The Christmas season has certainly been different this year.

We have made the most of our time together.  We pick a different Christmas movie every night and watch it together – something we don’t usually have time to do.  We have baked and taken treats to neighbors and friends.  We never take the time to do this and it has been a lot of fun.  We have listened to a lot of Christmas music.  We even had time to make gingerbread houses from scratch, decorate them, and post on Facebook for votes.    With all of the fun we are creating there is still an air of sadness in our home.  We miss the business of the Christmas season.  We miss friends and family and the joy being with them brings us.  We also miss the concerts of the season.  I miss singing with my preschool students, I miss being in our Church’s Living Christmas Tree performances.  I miss seeing my own children play their instruments and sing.  Music is a big part of my worship.  Singing and listening to the songs of the season and songs about the birth of Jesus bring me closer to God and the miracle that took place at Christmas.

On Sunday we had the opportunity to attend (with masks, socially distanced, and temperature checks) a Keyboards and Carols concert at our church.  It was beautiful!  They did a prerecorded virtual song with the children singing from their homes.  I cried through the whole song, missing seeing those sweet faces in person.  There was a virtual Choir and Orchestra song done the same way, and I cried seeing those faces and seeing the joy they had getting to play and sing again.  The best part of the concert was a beautiful duet of All is Well by Michael W. Smith.  

All is well all is well
Angels and men rejoice
For tonight darkness fell
Into the dawn of love’s light

All is well all is well
Let there be peace on earth
Christ’s come go and tell
That He is in the manger

All is well all is well
Lift up your voices and sing
Born is now Emmanuel
Born is our Lord and Savior
Sing Alleluia
Sing Alleluia
All is well

So, this Christmas season when things are not going the way we want and remember from past years, I am reminding myself – All is Well – because our Lord and Savior was born to save us.  All is Well – because all we need is Jesus!  I hope you can find peace this Christmas knowing that All is Well because of the baby born in the manger.  

Merry Christmas!

“For with God nothing shall be impossible.” 

Luke 1:37

I hope this blog finds you all doing well and enjoying the Fall season.  Where we live the weather has been beautiful and the trees are still changing.  The weather has been so nice I have had the top of my convertible down – always fun!  It has been so wonderful driving around and seeing the colorful trees while my hair (yea hair!) blows in the wind.  That is right, I have enough hair to actually blow in the wind!  

I started radiation two weeks ago.  I have now finished 13 out of 25 treatments.  It is going well so far, and I have not had any side effects.  Sadly, they say the first two weeks are good and then the side effects start.  Usually, the main side effects include a burning of the skin (much like a sunburn) and fatigue.  I have been told by many that these side effects are nothing compared to chemo.  I am hopeful that things will continue to go well!

The first week of radiation was very challenging mentally.  I am still recovering from surgery, so the position I have to lay for radiation pulls on the recovering muscles and is quite uncomfortable as I am healing.  However, that is not the most difficult part.  I was so anxious about the unknown of radiation I was getting myself incredibly worked up before I even left for the treatments.  

I knew I had to figure out what to do to quiet my mind.  I remembered that routine was very important to me on chemo days.  So, I now have a routine involving praise music while getting ready, reading some scripture before I go back, breathing in lavender oil from a bracelet while on my way.  That all helped to calm me down on the way, but I was still freaking out in my head during the radiation.   I tried counting to ten, reciting scripture, singing praise songs to myself, but those techniques only calmed me down a little.  

The routine of radiation is this: you come in and get a tempeture check (of course), change into a gown, walk back to radiation, give them your birthday, and then head into a large room and lay down on the table where the radiation machine moves around you.  The radiation techs are wonderful, and we chat while they get me ready.  We talk about our weekends, the weather, Rothy shoes, what is going on in our lives.  One tech just got engaged and was so excited to show me her ring.  I am fine with this even though I am in an uncomfortable position.   

But, as soon as they leave the room the anxiety almost overtakes me.  I have to lay completely still!  They leave and all of a sudden, I start thinking:  I have to go to the bathroom, my legs need to move, I can’t hold this position, my hand is falling asleep, what if I sneeze?  On Friday I noticed how narrow the table was and worried that I would fall off!  All of these are irrational thoughts, but they were making radiation very stressful.

One day on the way to radiation I heard the song “Peace Be Still” by Hope Darst.  I realized that was what I needed.  I needed God to give me peace.  In this song she says:

I don’t want to be afraid 
Every time I face the waves.
I don’t want to fear the storm
Just because I hear the roar

 Peace be still
Say the word and I will
Set my feet upon the sea 
Till I’m dancing in the deep 

Peace be still 
You are here so it is well 
Even when my eyes can’t see 
I will trust the voice that speaks

 I’m not gonna be afraid 
‘Cause these waves are only waves
I’m not gonna fear the storm
You are greater than it’s roar

 O peace be still
You are here so it is well
Even when my eyes can’t see
I will trust the voice that speaks
Peace, Peace, Peace

 Let faith rise up
Oh heart believe
Let faith rise up in me. 

When we ask God for peace, He will grant peace to our weary and troubled hearts.  So now I lay on the table and just ask for God to let peace wash over me.  My mind is starting to quiet and my heart is finding peace while I lay there receiving the radiation treatments.  For most of my journey the prayer was for healing the cancer and help to get us through this.  God did that and more, and now that I need peace, He is giving me that too.

I hope as we head into an unprecedented Thanksgiving Holiday – where plans have changed, and we may not be able to spend time with the extended family as we have in the past – that God will give you peace and the faith to know that one day coronavirus will be gone, and we will see them again.  That He will also give you peace, so you can today count the blessings He has given to you.

It gives me such joy to have *only* one prayer request:

For radiation, that my skin will stay healthy and the radiation will kill the few small remaining cancer cells that may (or may not) be there.  I have radiation at 9:00 every weekday morning until Dec. 3^rd.

I hope you have a great week and can enjoy God’s peace in your life.  

While we haven’t really gone into details to this point, given the good news I think it’s appropriate to appreciate how far Barbara has come, and humbly acknowledge the vast community that have lifted us up each and every day.

Barbara was diagnosed with Stage 3-B Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC), given that she had a 4×3 cm tumor, one biopsied positive node and 7 total cancerous nodes later confirmed by the pathologist. I was told by many wise people to not google that, but of course I did, and it shook me to my core.

To go from that starting point to, as the pathologist put it, “near complete pathologic complete response (pCR)” (yPT0 yPN0(i+) for the doctors in the house), which means (almost) no detectable cancer remaining (a few isolated cells remained in 2 of the removed nodes, none in the breast), is a credit to the excellent medical staff and current treatments, of course, and I will be forever grateful for their wonderful work. But even with modern treatment, the odds were not in our favor for such a result, and the outlook was… not so great if we didn’t get to this miraculous point, and we fully credit God and the multitudes who have been praying without ceasing over these many months for bringing us to today’s good news.

The daily support of so many of you throughout this process – even as Covid brings us all so many challenges – is completely overwhelming. This result puts us on solid ground for long term recovery, which was at times almost beyond my (but never Barbara’s) ability to hope for. I find myself completely at a loss in comprehending our many daily blessings – our access to such medical care, at this good news, at the vast and constant outpouring of prayers, support, and love by so many, and am in wondrous awe at this wonderful, miraculous result. I have felt your prayers – daily, and deeply in my soul – in a way I can’t begin to articulate, and I am nothing but humbled by all of you.

It seems trite to write, but all I can say is Thank You All, for… well… everything. You all have tenderly cared for my family in so many ways, taking the load of the past seven months off our shoulders and making life bearable. I look forward to the day when we can have a big party to begin thanking you in person for your touching care, food (sooo much great food!), prayers, and complete selflessness in supporting my family!

I am weary, God, but I can prevail.

Proverbs 30:1

(Apologies in advance for the long, detailed post… it’s been a busy few weeks)

I hope everyone is doing well as you read this blog.  It has been a while, and I hope your Fall has brought some fun outdoor activities.  The weather here has been beautiful most days and the leaves are starting to change.  The kids are all doing well, online learning is getting old, but they have settled into a routine.  The boys sports seasons are getting ready to come to a close.  Our daughter is in the middle of marching band season at college.  They are not as much a ‘marching’ band as they are a ‘standing’ band.  Nevertheless, she gets to go to the football games.  Most students do not get to go since they are limiting it to 1,000 fans. 

I have not written a blog post in quite a while, since before surgery – almost 5 weeks ago.  More about surgery later.  We wanted to first let you know we did receive great news.  The chemo killed the cancer, what they removed during surgery showed there were only a few tiny cancer particles that are not touching each other, and the hope is they will be killed with radiation.  So, Praise the Lord this was incredible news!

We see this as a true testimony to the miraculous work of God and the power for prayer.  The oncologist called with the great news, and actually said all the cancer cells were gone and felt I did not need radiation.   We were of course elated – could I really be done?? But no, the surgeon wanted to be on the safe side and make sure the little bit of lingering cancer was killed, so she wanted me to do radiation.  So up next, 5 weeks of radiation.  We are still in amazement at what God did and we know the radiation is necessary to finish the job.  

Surgery went really well.  Chris was able to stay with me until they wheeled me back, which was a huge comfort.   We cannot thank you all enough for all the prayers.  We could feel them.  We were sitting waiting for surgery and Chris looked at me and he said, “I am good with this.”  I replied, “me too.”  That was the peace we had because of your prayers.  Chris was called right after surgery and told I would be ready in less than an hour to go home.  Well, 4 hours later I had finally come to enough to stand and get dressed.  I have no idea what the post op. directions were because I was focusing so hard on just staying awake.  The car ride home was rough – I got sick as soon as Chris closed the door and that continued for a few hours.  Once that was out of my system, I slept very well and was glad I came home after surgery.   All in all, I think he was glad I was home too.

Now, on to recovery.  It is not going nearly as well or as fast as I would like it to.  The pain medication they gave me at the time of surgery and after made my pain tolerable for the first two weeks.  After those wore off and the real pain set in, life was not fun to say the least.  I spent almost all day in bed in the same position because it was so painful to move.   It was very frustrating!  The doctor said it would take about 3 weeks to recover, and at the 3 week mark I was still in bed counting down the minutes until I could take Tylenol again.   I started Physical Therapy and that has been helping.  I have something called cording under and up my arm that is causing some of the pain and stiffness, so the PT mostly works on that and mobility of the right side. When they cut through all your chest muscles you apparently have to work to get them back.  So twice a day I slowly stretch out my arms, chest and underarm area.  Again, very frustrating for someone who once got up and went on a 3-mile run every day.  But things are getting better and for the past two days I have been able to walk 3 miles.  I still spend several hours in bed laying flat to help with the pain.  

As the pain was not getting better and I was having terrible acid reflux to add to the fun, I had several pity parties.  As I have mentioned before, I try to remember to invite Jesus to my pity parties.  As I lay in bed, I sometimes cry and complain about how it is not fair because chemo was awful and so I felt I deserve an easy surgery recovery.  Jesus reminds me that my body is doing the best it can and He is by my side through all of it.  Still, it is all taking too long!

As I said, the next step is radiation.  I had my first “fitting” for radiation on Friday.  I was concerned because I still do not have full mobility, and I knew I needed to lay on a table with my arm up for about 20 minutes.  I called on many of you for prayer, and God once again got me through the procedure.  I would love to say it was pain free, but it wasn’t.  Even so, He got me through it.  Radiation will begin on October 26^th and continue for 5 weeks, ending right around Thanksgiving.  I am grateful that I will get to spend December free from treatments.  In January we will meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction. 

The journey continues.  When this all started, I thought a few rounds of chemo, surgery, radiation, and reconstruction… that should take about 6 months, right?  We, it turns out it is a little more than 6 months – more like a year or more.  The good thing is, what am I missing out on, really?  We are all still staying home.  Having Chris home, caring for me and the family has been a true blessing.  He has been a superhero!  He has taken such good care of me; he is ready to do all that needs to be done and let me tell you he has done and seen a lot!  Nothing about cancer is pretty.

Thank you all for taking care of so much for us.  We are so thankful for your commitment to continuly praying for me and my family.  We could not have made it this far without your prayers, support, encouragement, and food- especially the food! 

Specific prayer requests:

That I will fully recover from surgery – by the time radiation starts is the hope.  That radiation will go well and I will have no side effects. That my mobility will return and I will be pain free.