Be still, and know I am God.

Psalm 46:10

What a Summer we all had!   I hope the start to your school year was successful.  Like most families with students, we are virtual this Fall.  I will be honest, my boys did well, given the situation, but the first day of school was a little rough and seemed to last FOREVER.  The second day was just as long. As the week has progressed, we are all easing into a rhythm.  My boys do miss school, seeing and interacting with friends, meeting teachers and learning in a classroom.  Hopefully they will one day be back in school.  I applaud the teachers for also spending all day at a computer screen and teaching with enthusiasm and creativity.   

My daughter started her freshman year at college and is SO excited to be out with other people.  I envision her running around like Rapunzel when she first got out of her tower.  They are wearing masks and limiting social interactions.  Being a freshman on campus, she does not know anything other than what they are doing right now so she is loving every minute of being around people other than her family. So far, Covid hasn’t affected her campus nearly as much as some other Virginia campuses – praying that continues!

I am done with these rounds of chemo!  Although I am not at my usual energy level, I do have some energy.  I go on a 3 mile walk every day and am getting basic things done around the house.  It has been such a long Summer.  Last Saturday on my morning walk there was a chill in the air.  I came home got a cup of coffee (with pumpkin spice creamer, of course) and went to work decorating for Fall.  Why?  Because Fall is my FAVORITE SEASON and decorating makes me happy.  It was time for a change of scenery.  Putting out my Fall decorations made me feel like life was moving on as normal.  I also got out my Fall-scented candles, so the house smelled like pumpkin!  Chris and the boys said it smelled like Fall threw up in the house and pretended to gag from the smell.  That made me  miss my girl being home and sharing in the excitement about the decorations and the smell of Fall. 

As much as I wanted my Fall decorations to fix everything and somehow make things normal, they did not. I still do not hear the marching band practicing.  There are no Friday night football games.  There is no excitement in the air about what teachers you got and who is in your classes.  We are still in quarantine and I still am battling cancer.   

I still cringe at the word “cancer.” I still struggle with the idea that my life will look different from now on and I will have to have scans and worry if the cancer will come back.  I still have a long road ahead of me before I get to say, “I am a cancer survivor.” Some days the future of battling cancer still seems overwhelming.  

So, here is where I am on my cancer journey.  I will have a double mastectomy on Wednesday September 16^that 8:30 am.   The surgery will take about 3 hours and the plan is, because of COVID, for me to come home after surgery.  What they find when they study the cells that are pulled out during surgery will determine my next course of action.  If any of the cells still have cancer in them, I will likely have more chemotherapy.  If the 16 rounds of chemo killed all the cancer, I should just need radiation.  Either way I will have radiation for about a month.  Finally, I will have surgery for reconstruction and removal of my port.  

What do I do when I get overwhelmed with all of it?  I breathe and remember I am not in control – God is.  God is still the same as he was before I had cancer and before COVID.  He will get us all through this just like He has gotten us through other challenges in our lives.  

I was reminded on one of my walks this week how incredibly different this year is.  Last year on the first day of school I sent the kids off to school and went on a 6-mile run in preparation for the Army 10 miler I ran in October.  Now here I was walking an 18-minute mile and felt tired after 3 miles.  I broke down in tears and asked the Lord why had so much changed in just a year.  I was happy last year I was living a life for Christ even preparing to go on a mission trip.  My kids were happy, and they were great kids; they were busy with Fall activities and actively a part of our church and loved the Lord.    My husband’s job was going great.  Life was so good- almost perfect!   Why did God change it so much?  

But then, the song “Just be Held” by Casting Crowns came on my air pods as a reminder that God is still there, and He knows I am hurting, and He is there for me.   I know that during this time of quarantine we are all feeling like the answer is so far away and we feel so alone.  God is still here and He will get us through. Here are some of the words to the song.

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne – stop holding on and just be held.  

When you are feeling overwhelmed this Fall just remember God knows you, and wants you to take a breath and let Him hold you.  I hope you all have a great week as you continue on with the Fall and this “new normal” and all it has in store.

Here are my specific prayer requests: Surgery is on Wed. September 16^th at 8:30 am- that surgery will go well and my recovery will be easy. That all the cells the surgeon removes will be cancer free. That I will have no Lymphedema (swelling of the arm when lymph nodes are removed).  

We will get the results from the removed cells about 10 days after surgery.  So we ask for prayers of peace as we wait to hear the results.   Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and pray for me and my family.  

But they that wait upon the for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles: they shall run and not be weary: they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

How is everyone doing?   Hopefully even with quarantine you have enjoyed some of summer.  I know it has been a while since I have posted.  Honestly, I have not felt motivated or well enough to post.  I have all my energy plus some more on day of chemo and the one after, due to steroids.  Those days have been consumed with unpacking and getting our new house in order.  Then the next 5 days I spend in bed with barely enough energy to make it downstairs to eat dinner.  Chris and the kids bring to me breakfast and lunch in bed.   I am very thankful for Facebook, which helps me feel connected to you all.

I had my final chemo today.  It was relatively anticlimactic.  The facility I go to does not ring a bell or do anything special for last treatments.  So, I just left as usual.  Chris had a busy day at work and the kids went to the pool.  I am not feeling like I had my last treatment because I know the week ahead is going to be rough – like always.  I am hopeful that next Tuesday I will be feeling better and the chemo will be working its way out and I can feel good and truly enjoy being done.

In the back of my head I know I only get 5 weeks off, then I have surgery.  At the time of surgery if any of the cells they pull out test positive for cancer I have to do chemo again – so that weighs heavy on my heart and mind.  I will also have radiation and reconstruction.  Although this is huge, I still am looking at 7 or more months of cancer related procedures and that is daunting.   

One special thing I did today, someone suggested I get “showered with cards”.  I have been receiving many cards in the mail for the past week.  Honestly, I have not had the energy to open them this week, so they have been collecting in a HUGE pile.     Today I just sat here and opened all of them.  What a gift it was to read the handwritten notes of so many ladies praying for me.  Reading the cards was the perfect way to celebrate my last round.  It is only through Christ and the prayers of so many that I have made it this far. Thank you for praying!

One card had this writing by Max Lucado.  I feel this applies to all of us right now no matter what you are going through. 

“Your silent prayers uttered on tearstained pillows
                        Were heard before they were said.
            Your deepest questions 
                        Were answered before they were asked.
                                    He sees you….
                                                He hears you….
                                                            He knows you…….”

It is such a comfort to know that that God knows what we need before we ask, and He is there.  I have had a hard time finding joy lately.  I believe it is partly the way the chemo just sucks the life out of me.  COVID-19 has definitely taken the joy out of me.  On days when I feel good and want to get out of the house there is nowhere to go.  I have gone to Target with my daughter to get her stuff for college, but shopping is all about getting in and out as quickly as possible, so it is about efficiency not enjoyability.

That brings me to another disappointment this cancer has brought on.  My daughter leaves for college on Saturday and I will not be going with her.  That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around.  I try to stay positive because we have done all the shopping for college together and have talked about it a lot.  As always God provides, and my sister is going to meet Chris and Katie Lynne there and help to get her set up.  I also have become so accustomed to having her here the thought of her room being empty is overwhelming.  She is so excited to go and will do great!  It is my selfishness that wants to keep her here a little longer.  

Tonight, we are going out to a real restaurant to celebrate her 18^th birthday.  This will be our first restaurant since March.  Everyone is very excited about it.  Her birthday was a great day!  Thank you to all who helped her celebrate with cards, balloons, visits, texts, presents, etc. 

Another thing weighing heavy on my heart is the explosion that happened in Lebanon.  Many of you know I visited Beirut in September.  It is a beautiful area and the people have overcome so much.   We visited with a group of people who are spreading the love of Christ in many different ways.  They had a joy for the Lord in their hearts that was overwhelming.  COVID-19 has hurt that area in ways we cannot even imagine here in the US.  Lebanon was full of problems before the explosion.  The refugee crisis is overwhelming and now the clean-up from the explosion is almost unbearable.  Still God is at work in the people there.   Thanks to Facebook I can see what my friends in Lebanon are doing to share the love of Christ and help those in need while they also rebuild what they have lost.  Join me in praying for the situation there.

People often ask how the kids are doing.  They honestly are doing well with it all.  They enjoy the days when I feel good because we are a family and I laugh, and we go on walks and enjoy being together.  On the days I feel bad they are good too because no one monitors video games or how much TV they watch, and they get to do not much of anything.  The boys are dreading me feeling good every day because it means beds will be made and rooms will have to stay clean.   They are also excited to have their mom “back” as they say.  They have seen it all, the good and the bad and they just roll with the punches.  The boys will miss their sister – partly because they will have to pick up the slack for all the things she does.  

Chris is working from home and that has been a true blessing.  Some days I can’t even take care of myself so I don’t know how I would have made it without him home.  He also drives me to everything.  He has been an amazing multitasker.  He is really looking forward to me feeling well again.

That is what has been going on with us.  We are blessed by each of you and all you have done to get us this far on my cancer journey.  The creative ways you have supported from a distance have brought us great joy!  

Here are specific prayer requests:  That I will make it through the side effects of this last round of chemo.  That Katie Lynne will have a great move in and settle into college and stay COVID-19 free.  That my body will spend the next 5 weeks recovering so I am strong for surgery.  That chemo will have killed all the cancer and I will not need any more chemo after surgery.

That surgery will go well, and I have minimal pain and an easy recovery.

We hope this blog post finds you well and looking forward to the fall and all things pumpkin spice!  Hopefully by pumpkin spice season (yes that is a thing) I will feel well enough to drink coffee again.  I do love a pumpkin spice latte!

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I am here at the beach with my family and although it has been wonderful, it has also been hard for me, mentally.  You see, usually I am on the beach early and stay late, every night is filled with walks on the beach or ice cream trips, shopping outings, Bingo and games, etc.  This year however, I only make it to the beach for a few hours and sit under the umbrella.  I am so tired just from the process of getting myself (not even the family – because Chris gets them in line) out to the beach.  I am even too tired to go on walks on the beach- one of my favorite things to do.  This has all been very frustrating for me.  You see, I missed one round of chemo and skipped this week, which in my head means I should be feeling fine.  But I am not!  The chemo has not magically left my body and returned me to feeling like myself.

I am also growing weary of this cancer process.  Sometimes I have good days, but most days are bad.  I do try to remember that I am lucky because I am not in pain, only nauseated some days.  My biggest side effect is extreme fatigue and lack of appetite.  I mean extreme – like – in bed all day.  For anyone who knows me, you know how active I am.  The fatigue is so frustrating.  

I am also tired of not having hair!  I was fine when I lost my hair, a little sad, but knew someday it would grow back.   Now we are on 3 months of no hair and I am tired of my head being cold!  I am sad to not be able to join in on the quarantine hair jokes.  I miss having to go to a salon, I miss washing my hair.  You know what?  I miss long showers.  With no hair, what is there to really do in the shower?  Now I know how men get ready so quickly!

But mostly I am tired of having cancer!  I am growing weary of every day waking up and knowing tomorrow will be the same kind of extreme fatigue day, with no hair, and making myself eat. Almost worse than Groundhog Day, because at least he felt good.

So, there it is – my pity party to myself.  I write all this because I know you can all relate.  Most of you probably have the same feelings about COVID-19.  When will it end?   When you wake up tomorrow is just another day of being stuck in the house.  The exhaustion of what to do with the kids and even more exhausting – what to do about school for the Fall?   A devotion book I am working through says, “When you throw yourself a pity party, just remember to invite Jesus.”  I have been forgetting to invite Him when I have these pity parties.  I just mostly lay in bed and think of all I am missing out on.  

Once the pity party is over, I say, “Hey God, let’s have a talk.”  So, I talk to Him and tell Him my feelings.  He reminds me how much He has gotten me through so far.  He reminds me that I asked Him that I would feel good at the beach, and I do feel good, just not as good as I want to feel.  He reminds me that I asked Him to help me make the trip, which He did. I did not feel great, but I made the car ride and slept.  He reminds me that my body has physical limitations, but He gets me through the best possible way with the physical limitations that chemo brings about.   

He will get us all through this COVID-19 mess.  And He will get me through this cancer mess.  I have 5 weeks of chemo left.  Then on to surgery for a double mastectomy, followed by radiation and possibly more chemo.  Finally, reconstruction.  All I want is to fast forward to next January – I’m sure some of you do too.  But, we cannot, so we must all take every day as it comes, thank God for what he is doing in our lives, and if you feel good thank Him for that too!

Here are my specific prayer requests:

• Next chemo is Monday July 13
• We move on Wednesday July 15
• Last 4 rounds of chemo July 21, 28, August 4, 11
• Need white and red blood cell counts to be good so I can complete the last 5 rounds without delays. 
• That the chemo works and all cancer is gone when they go in for surgery.  

Thanks for taking the time to read about my journey.

O Lord You have searched me and know me.  You know my sitting down and my rishing up: You understand my thought afar off.  

Psalm 139:1-2

Time for another blog post to let you know how we are doing and what to pray for.  For starters, I cannot tell you what a blessing it is know that so many are lifting not only me but our whole family up in daily prayer.  It truly is how we are sustaining ourselves through these tough days.  

As many of you know who saw on Facebook this week, we had a small setback.  When I went in on Monday my white blood cell count, my platelets, and red blood cell count were all too low to do round #7 on Tuesday.  I was sent down to the infusion center for a shot to help boost all these things.  Then I called out to my prayer warriors (via Facebook).  God is so good, the shot worked, and I was able to have round #7 on Wednesday, keeping my schedule more or less on track.  The shot left my body very achy and kept me in bed for another to days.  But it all worked out in the end.  

Many things are linked to my schedule staying on track.  A big one is my surgery date.  It is already scheduled and delaying a treatment would cause that to be rescheduled; not *too* big a deal, but coordinating multiple surgeons gets tricky and could cause further delay.  

Currently, I am scheduled to end chemo on Aug. 4 – that is 11 days before our daughter moves into college. Delaying treatment would mean I would not be well enough to accompany her as she moves into college.  I mean – if I don’t move her in, who will make sure the bed is made?  Who will take all the pictures after she decorates her room?  How will I give her a final hug and cry all the way back to the hotel?  So, staying on schedule is important to us (me) right now.    

One impact to my low numbers and overall total exhaustion is that we decided to drop one of my chemo drugs, called Carboplatin.  It was a tough decision, because that drug has been shown to significantly increase the chances of complete response (pCR), so for this decision we prayed a lot.   The side effects of this drug for me left me completely bedridden for 5 days – unable to sit up or move around for any period of time.  Chris brings me my meals in my room and the kids don’t get to spend time with me because I am just too weak.  

The doctor agreed that it should not be this bad.  I have lost weight from the start of treatment but in the past two weeks I lost another 6 pounds (a heck of a way to diet, I know).  Coupled with the other side effects, we all feel it was the right decision.  It was a tough one because I believed I was being a wimp and so many have it worse than just stuck in bed.  But the doctor made the call and reminded me that 1/3 of people on that drug do not make it to the end due to side effects.  Making it 6 rounds was still helpful.  And the cancer continues to shrink.  The goal is 100% gone (add that to the prayer requests).

Now onto the underlying stress for ALL of us: COVID-19.  So, where are we with all of this?  Social isolating is working, but the kids (all kids) are growing restless.  So, we let the boys play outside with some neighborhood kids who are socially isolating.  Is it safe? I don’t know, but I know their mental health is better off.  Our pool is open with all sorts of restrictions and no more than 50 people at the pool during a shift.  Is this safe? I don’t know.  We let our daughter have some outdoor visits with friends and even go to a restaurant (outside of course).  

Then there is the question of school next year.  Our school district is offering two options, neither of them any good.  They can go to school two days a week and learn online the other days.  Or do the whole year online.   We know what the safest is, but what is best for their mental health?  So, we pray like all of you are, and we stress, and we worry.  God has it in control but are we willing to listen to Him?  Because we know what we want – a vaccine now!  That, and to know that our kids will be safe and not bring home any germs.  Add to that the stress that we are sending one off to college!  

I remind myself each day that our God is great, and He can do great things.  I also keep going back to our family verse I put up all over our house when I was diagnosed, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7.  

I don’t know about you, but I find it particularly hard to do life these days with thanksgiving.  Honestly, some days it is so hard to be thankful for anything…  But I do try to find something that was good each day.  It might only be that God got me through a day when I was in stuck in bed.  I know to some of you having to lay in bed all day, not being able to do anything, sounds wonderful.  But for me, it is not!  

So that is where we are.  Prayer requests are mostly the same: that the chemo will continue to work, and the cancer will all be gone by surgery.  That removing the one chemo drug will not hinder the complete removal of cancer and will give me back a quality of life.  That all counts will stay up and no more delays in treatment so chemo can stay on track for every Tuesday at 9 or 9:30.  That our family will stay COVID-19 free.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and for caring about me and my family.  If you have brought us meals, treats, presents, or done anything to help, please know it is all very much appreciated!  I am far, far behind on thank you cards.  

Take care and enjoy this Summer of less crazy and more family time.  

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you!  Trust in the LORD always, for the LORD GOD is the eternal Rock.

Isaiah 26:3-4

Summer is here! The heat, the humidity, the sun, but unfortunately no pool for our area yet.  Like everything these days, we are making the most of it and have an inflatable pool set up in the back yard.   A friend kindly offered to go to Wal-Mart and get a pool for me, they were so cheap I bought two knowing the boys would destroy at least one this Summer.  All three kids are missing the pool so much they are playing in it and having a great time.   

We have had a busy two weeks since I last wrote.  I have had rounds of chemo #4 and #5.  We have bought a “new” to us house and sold our house.  We move in mid-July.  I know you are thinking “are they crazy?”   Right in the middle of chemo, with surgery and radiation following that, a child heading off to college, and don’t forget about COVID-19.  At night we lay in bed and think “we are crazy…” 

A little back story.  We live in a perfect neighborhood and we have loved our house.  In November Chris was blessed with a great promotion at work which meant we could move to a bigger, newer house, with a garage and closet space, among other things.  In November we started casually looking.  We love the area we live in and the kids love their school.  That gave us a very small radius in which to move.  The area we live in does not have many houses that are nicer than our current home (which we love!), so we were limited to two small neighborhoods.  These neighborhoods put about 1 house on the market a year.  When a house went on the market, we felt we had to act or wait another 2 years to move.  

We saw the house and loved it, but also knew the timing was not great.  We put a contract on the house and gave it to God.  There was another contract on the house (not surprising), and we figured it was not meant to be our dream home.  Strangely, we were at total peace with not getting the house because it was in God’s hands.  It was a total surprise to us that they choose our contract and the house was ours!  

Then we started to panic! 

How on earth, with me in the middle of a chemo treatment that has me laid up in bed for 5 out of 7 days, were we going to get our house in shape to list it?  Again, we gave it to God, and He provided.  Currently, at least for the day after chemo,  I have the energy of the Energizer Bunny because I have a steroid in me.  We got so much done I just worked from room to room, dictating what would go in the POD and what would stay until we moved.  The kids and Chris were amazing and never complained.  We sorted, cleaned and threw away for 3 days.  When I was not feeling well Chris would get me set up in a room and bring me stuff to decide – stay or go.  The kids did so much.  

Once I was not the energizer bunny Chris took on that role.  He worked at his real job, managed the kids, and got the house in order early in the morning and at night.  I think the kids were actually happy to have something to do!  

Side note: send your children on Mission trips!  Not only are they great for them spiritually, our daughter has learned how to spackle and paint on these trips.  She filled in all the nail holes and did touch up paint.  If you know how I decorate, that is a lot of wall holes – not to mention the dart board that was used a lot but rarely hit.   My sister and one of her daughters also came and helped pack and load the POD while I laid in bed.  

Once again, we gave the selling of the house over to God and He provided.  We had two contracts the second day it was on the market.  Things are moving along.  We are taking a breath this week and will start packing next week.  We are amazed that as we are telling people (or they are finding out on their own), so many have offered to help with whatever we need.   God is providing, and our friends and family are just the best!  

Our quarantine life has been very busy – so much so that some days I forget all about COVID.  Then I remember and try not to get worried or overwhelmed by the fact that life is still not “normal.”  Now when I turn on the news it is full of the protesting.  Sometimes it does seem like God has just left us here to sort it all out on our own.  That is why it is so important now to trust in the Lord always.  Change is coming from the protests, family time and slowing down is coming from COVID.  

Hopefully you are taking this time to be in the Word more.  I know I am, and my kids are.   My mom is reading through the Bible during COVID.  If you are not in the Word during this pause in normalcy, challenge yourself to start with the 4 Gospels and read two chapters a day.   The life of Jesus was amazing, and it is so important to remind ourselves HE gave his life for us!

In other news (like I said we have had a busy two weeks), our daughter graduated from High School!  It was sad to drive up to the school and be handed a bag with her cap and gown and diploma in it.  The principal spoke to each car of kids, put the bag in, and we took some photos.  Again, we are making the best of it.   Our neighborhood had a drive by where the graduates rode in cars and we lined the streets with our cheers and posters.  The church did a drive by where the graduates stood in the parking lot and the church members drove by and congratulated them.  We have had virtual senior nights for track and band, and a virtual turning of the tassel.  We even did a yard graduation with some friends.   None of these compare to being there in person but we have enjoyed all of them.  God has provided.   

For many of these events I have not had good days, but through prayer, God gave me the strength to be present and participate in all of them.  It has been a joy to see how excited our daughter has been at each of these events.  And as I said at our yard graduation, she has been a joy to raise and God has great things in store for her in the future.  

Wow that was a lot!  Thank you for reading the whole thing and caring about our little lives.  

Here are the prayer requests for the next few weeks:  Today at chemo my white blood cell count was right on the edge of not being able to have treatment.  Please pray that my white blood count will go up and I can still have chemo. next week.  As much as I love the idea of taking a week off, we don’t want that.  That the side effects of chemo will continue to be minimal and I will have less fatigue this week.  And finally, smooth sailings for our move.  

I LOVE that several people have asked for my chemo. schedule so here it is:

6/16 9:30 am
6/23 9:30 am
6/30 10:00 am
Week of 7/7 I get to take off to go to the beach (yea!)
7/14 9:00 am
7/21 9:30 am
7/28 10:00 am
8/4  9:30 am – last chemo! (as long as white blood cell count stays good) 

Appointment with the plastic surgeon on 6/10 at 2:00

Appointment with the surgeon on 6/11 at 2:00

Thank you so much for your prayers- they truly sustain me – especially during chemo treatments. 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  

2 Corinthians 12:9

Here we are in week *who knows* of quarantine?   I hear many people say they don’t even know what day it is anymore.  I always know what day it is.  With chemo every week I count down the days to the next chemo treatment.   I currently get Carboplatin and Taxol.  I was hopeful that somehow these new drugs would not feel so much like chemo and allow me to feel like myself.  That has not been the case.   I have one day where I can hardly get out of bed and sleep most of the day.  Then the other days I am very tired and nauseous in the morning.  My fatigue last until mid-afternoon.  So, by dinner most evenings I am feeling close to myself.  When I am lying in bed for part of the day, I have time to think, sleep, and pray.   I try to remind myself that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.

I think we are all feeling a little weak or at least deflated with no pools or fun travel this weekend.  Once again, as Memorial Day weekend is here, I find myself missing life as it was in the past.  Every year was the same thing: we would spend this weekend traveling to see my in-laws about 2 ½ hours away.  We would pull the kids out of school early and try to beat the traffic.  We’d drop the kids off, and Chris and I would head out to the outlets to do some shopping and then go out to dinner.   Chris’ brother and his 3 kids would also come.  The weekend was always filled with lots of laughter, games, pool time and just relaxing.  It is always a nice get away that revives us so we can make it until the end of the school year. 

This year there is no making it to the end of the school year.  The kids do have online classes for a few more weeks.   Honestly that gives them something to do so they actually look forward to having school.  We are missing many things this spring and we are just trying to make the most of it.  This week we celebrated the 8^thgrade dance.  Here is a short video of the fun the boys had with glow sticks.  I hope it brings a smile to your face.  We had many laughs watching them dance with glow sticks taped to their clothes.  

I cannot even begin to thank everyone for all the cards, dinners, desserts, and gift I continue to receive.  They are such an encouragement to me and always seem to arrive at the perfect time when I need a boost.  Thank you for your friendship too.  So much of what I read talks about the importance of community and letting people help during cancer treatments.  This is a hard time to feel like you have a community to help, but knowing so many are praying and receiving these acts of kindness reminds me I am not going through this alone.  I wish things were different and I could give all of you great friends a hug when you stop by.  One day we will all be able to get together again.  

On a separate note – does anyone miss shopping?  I am getting really tired of shopping online.  

Just wanted to let you all know how things are going here.  Hope you and your family are doing well and had an enjoyable weekend.  Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  

Here are a few prayer requests.

Chemo round #3 was yesterday – that that it will continue to kill the cancer cells in my breast and lymph nodes.  That I will have energy to spend time with my family and help Chris take care of the day to day of running a household (he is doing a great job by the way).

Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

We had great news at the Doctor last Friday.  The sonogram showed that the cancer has shrunk- so all this awful chemo is working!  Praise the Lord!  On Tuesday at 9:30 I will begin 12 rounds of chemo – 1 time every week.  Let me tell you, although I knew it was coming, I really wanted the sonogram to reveal that the cancer was gone, and they could do surgery immediately!  

Unfortunately, that is not the way it works with my treatment and shrinking cancer is great news!  So, 12 weeks of chemo it is.   To say I am dreading 12 more weeks of chemo would be an understatement.   My doctor said I tolerated the first cycle so well that is why they are moving onto once a week for 12 weeks.  My definition of tolerated is different than theirs, but they are right, I survived!  I am several pounds lighter and have less hair, am tired some days, but I survived.  Please pray that I will get an appetite and want to eat.  Also pray that the side effects of this will be minimal.

I don’t know about you all, but I have been feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety lately.  Starting new chemo is not helping me relax.   These are unprecedented times.  During my daily talks with God I told him that I was only supposed to have to deal with cancer, not a whole pandemic.  He reminded me that He is with me no matter what I am going through and He never promised me only cancer or only a pandemic or only one thing at a time.   He promised me He would sustain me though whatever I cast upon him.  1 Peter 5:7 “casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.” Other versions say and He will sustain you.  God wants us to bring all of our cares to Him because He cares for us so much that He will hold us while we deal with all that is going on.  We need to be pouring out in prayer our anxieties all day every day so that He can sustain us.  It is not a one-time thing, so I spend a lot of time in prayer for my fears lately.  

Did you know that the Bible specifically addresses anxiety?  Read Matthew 6:25-34 – especially verse 34, “Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own. “- Amen to that!  

My daughter was asking me, “Why do you keep talking about what will the Summer look like?  How can they possibly open things back up?  When will life ever be back to normal?“

I told her because as humans we want to know what the future holds – we are impatient creatures who like to have control.  The bottom line is we are not in control, so cast your anxiety on God and worry about today only.  Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be provided to you.”

 I am spending a lot of time in prayer and scripture lately.  We have spent the week in prayer over a friend’s 16-year-old son who is fighting COVID-19 in the CICU at the hospital.  He is in the fight of his life.  God is answering the prayers of so many for Matthew and while he is showing improvement, he is not out of the woods by far. 

His 14-year-old brother, Timothy, was admitted on Saturday and is also in the fight of his life in the CICU.  He needs a miracle.   He is immune compromised, and they are working with all medicine and skills they know to fight this.  It all seems like too much for one family to deal with.  But the parents are finding hope and peace in God.  I found myself growing weary of praying.   It has been so overwhelming to just pray continually for this family.  And as I pray Satan does a great job of creating anxiety in my mind and making me grow weary of prayer.   But prayer is a privilege, God is at work, and we are to pray without ceasing. 

Ok, on to happier things.  I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day celebrating your mom (or being celebrated).  We had a wonderful day!  Lunch with gifts the kids picked out online. We took a long walk in the woods, and visited with the other Mothers in our lives – my mom with a social distance driveway visit and my two mother-in-laws via FaceTime.

I have adjusted to our living room worship experience.  Although I miss my church family terribly, our family is enjoying the intimacy of worship our church has created.  This Sunday was particularly special because my family had the opportunity to lead in worship with the song King of My Heart.  

We sang, “Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails.  The anchor in the waves.”  This song reminds us that God is our all!  He is what we cling to in the waves and what powers us to move forward.  The song ends with “You’re never gonna let me down.”  God will never let us down as long as we allow Him to be our anchor that keeps us steady even when the waves are crashing down.  Here is a video of us singing if you want to hear it.  

I hope everyone is doing well. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and pray for me and my family. 

Specific prayer requests:

Round #1 of #12 Tuesday at 9:30 am.  Pray that I will have no allergic reactions and minimal side effects.   That the cancer will completely go away with these treatments and my body will respond well to the two new chemo drugs.  That I will regain an appetite and have minimal fatigue.  For Matthew and Timothy fighting COVID – health and comfort for them and their family.

I hope you all have another wonderful week.   The sun is coming out and we are getting warmer temperatures at the end of the week.  So, yard work is in our plans for the weekend!

I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Chris Jesus

Philippians 1:6

How is everyone doing?  We are good over here – in some ways having chemo every other week helps break up the monotony of this quarantine.   I have one bad week – the week of chemo –  followed by a fairly normal week.  On the good weeks, life is normal and we have a routine, including projects and catching up on life.  On the bad weeks, the family follows me around when I am up as if I might fall over at any moment.  

I am so grateful that I have not thrown up at all, and the prescribed nausea medicine keeps my stomach stable.  Eating on the bad weeks is difficult – mealtime is centered around cheering me on as I try to finish a small portion or a cup of soup.  For those who have brought us meals, the family is even more grateful than I am.  Not only have they been AMAZING, but if I was left to do the meal planning, they would be eating eggs and potatoes – the only two things that seem to taste good to me.  Chris and our daughter have had fun cooking on the other nights.  Like all of us during quarantine, our oven is getting a lot of use. 

Having the family home definitely helps pass the time on the bad days.  I lay on the sofa and listen to them talking via Zoom with friends, the boys making trick shots outside, the family playing hearts and fade in and out as they watch TV.  I try on the bad days to remember that I am lucky because my bad days will pass, and I will feel good again.  

Now, maybe I am able to say this because on Tuesday I will have round of #4 of 4!  Unfortunately, this is not the end of chemo for me.  On Thursday this week we will have an appointment with the surgeon who will do a sonogram to see how much the cancer has shrunk.  Depending on the outcome, the oncologist and surgeon will set my next treatment plan.  It will either be 12 rounds of a different chemo on a weekly basis, or 4 to 6 rounds of yet another chemo every other week for 8-12 weeks.  Hopefully all treatment pre-surgery will be complete by the end of July.

I was telling my husband that I think face masks are going to be the new accessory for the foreseeable future.  Fortunately, I have a friend who made us some adorable masks.  Another kind friend gave me an N95 mask to wear when I go to the hospital.  Let me just say those N95 masks are so hot and heavy.  At my last chemo, I was wearing it and as the nurse was administering the nausea medicine I said, “I feel nauseous.”  She informed me that the chemo hadn’t even started yet, so it must be something else.  I removed the mask and put on a disposable one and quickly felt much better.  

THANK YOU to all the medical personal who are not only on the front lines of this and coming into work every day.  Thank you for dealing with the patients with love and care while wearing the masks and all the equipment.  You are all amazing and are true heroes!  

In other news, did you know that today – Sunday, April 26, us Virginians are halfway to the end of quarantine – if the June 10^th date holds up.  We have been in quarantine for 6 weeks!  Maybe this is not great news, but it means you just need to do what you have been doing for the past 6 weeks one more time.  I know 6 weeks seems so daunting, and even after that date it is not like life will return to normal, right? I mean, how can it?

So, what can we do for the next 6 weeks?  Well, I keep seeing that having a routine is key.  We keep a routine during the week and treat Saturday as a normal Saturday and sleep in, eat breakfast late, spend the morning being unproductive.  On Sunday we have Zoom Bible Fellowship and watch our church worship service, pick up lunch – trying to make it like a “normal” Sunday.  Did I mention walks?  LOTS of walks.  My kids have said when they reflect back on the COVID-19 they will remember that we walked a lot.  I love our walks!  We usually walk 4 miles – thank you to the people who are changing up their landscaping or putting new things out in the yard – we see you!  

I don’t love to read – but – I have been reading because I have time (lots of time…).  My sister gave me a book called Suffer Strong by Katherine & Jay Wolf (link to Amazon page here).  I have been reading and enjoying it tremendously.  Katherine suffered a massive life altering stroke at as a young adult.  The book focuses on their adjustment to a new life with all it’s challenges.  In the book, Jay says, “While suffering strong can be disorienting and painful at first, it’s a journey that promises greater purpose, hope, and joy.”  What a great perspective!  Jay and Katherine have learned to find joy in the “new normal” they have to live every day. 

This quarantine is our “new normal” and we can focus on the pain of this situation, or we can view it as a journey that promises joy!  I get caught up in all the “lasts” we are missing out on with our Senior daughter. Our last family Spring break trip.  Her last track meet, Senior night for track, last band concert, last church choir concert, last day of school, etc.  When I do, I remind myself that we are getting something even better – time with her. 

She usually left the house at 7:30 each morning, and was home around 6:00, as long as there were no evening activities.  Now, she is home every day with us at every meal.  We talk as we go on walks and have wonderful discussions that otherwise would have been missed.   What a gift that is.  Before the quarantine we all were so busy it was hard to find time for family.  Now we have been given the gift of time and family, so take a breath and focus on enjoying this unique time.  On that same note, I tell my kids daily how glad I am they are NOT preschoolers.  If you have preschoolers, all I can say is… be in prayer for God to give you strength.

Wake up tomorrow and start the week by thanking God for the opportunity to spend time with the gift He has given you.  Yes, I mean your family – they are a gift that God chose just for YOU, and how wonderful it is that you get to spend the next 6 weeks with just them.  

Specific prayer requests for me:

For the chemo on Tuesday at 11:00 am – calm for me as I do it alone again.  That nausea and fatigue will be manageable for the 6 days after chemo.  That the appointment on Thursday reveals cancer has shrunk and the Dr. selects the best course of treatment for my next course of chemo.  

Have a great week! We miss you all!

Therefore we do not give up; even though the outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day.

2 Corinthians 4:16

I love Easter!  I love the Hats – and I have had some great ones over the years.  My hat for this year was the best yet!  I love the new outfits for the family – usually matching!  I love the egg hunts, the surprise of the Easter Bunny.  The promise of better weather and knowing Summer is right around the corner.  Easter lunch with the family and Skype visits with distant family.  

Most of all, I love celebrating our risen Lord with my church family!  I love the music and seeing all our friends join in worshiping the empty tomb.   I love the message of hope our pastor preaches.  I love greeting visitors and seeing faces we have not seen in a while.  I love our church’s tradition of the flower cross.   I look forward to Easter Sunday and hang around as long as the family will allow me to continue talking after the service is over.  I LOVE Easter Sunday!  

So, this year I had a hard time with Easter.  I will admit to sitting in our living room, dressed up, watching the service unfold in front of us and feeling very emotional.  I cried several times and longed to be with my church family.   This was the first time in this whole coronavirus that I felt full of despair.   Easter is about HOPE, and celebrating that Jesus is alive.  “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,” as the old Hymn says.   But here I was, feeling total sadness, and not wanting to face tomorrow because tomorrow the coronavirus will still be here.  We will still be in our houses and I will still have cancer.  

Although, we DID have a great day.  The kids got up and we had breakfast together, and they humored me with their Easter baskets (the youngest is still genuinely excited).  We got ‘casually’ dressed up and watched worship together.  We talked to both sets of grandparents via FaceTime.   We prepared a special lunch and ate as a family in the dining room.  Dear friends surprised us with eggs for an egg hunt and we went on a family walk.  It was a great day – some of our kids’ school friends even came by in their jeep blaring “Beat It,” which greatly lifted my spirts.  So why do I find myself filled with despair?  

In the evening my husband jokingly said, “well, now that Easter is over what do we have to look forward to?” He is right.  What do we have to look forward to?  Nothing – the world is canceled, and we are stuck at home until June 10!  

As many of you know, this week we shaved my head.  It was not emotional – it actually was a relief.  You see, my hair has been falling out by the handful for the past 5 days and we were all tired of hair being everywhere.  What remained was so unhealthy that it looked like straw.  So, we all were all ready to shave it.   Here is the video (if you haven’t seen it), and yes, we did blatantly use my head shaving to promote my two sons’ YouTube channel.  

The morning after we shaved my head this was the verse in my devotional: “Therefore we do not give up; even though the outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day.”  So how do we keep the inner person renewed EVERY day during this pandemic?  That is a good question – and I haven’t found a good answer.   

My middle son loves to perform in theater – particularly, *musical* theater.  He is very talented, and last year he debuted in the 7-12^th grade production of Newsies as Les Jacobs.  We were blown away by his performance and the fact that he was a 7^th grader holding his own with high schoolers.  One of the highlights of our Spring this year was supposed to be seeing him perform as Bruce in the musical Matilda.    

If you are familiar with the story of Matilda, she is basically unwanted by her parents, and is sent to a school with a very mean headmistress.  In one of the songs, Matilda says:

“Just because you find that life’s not fair it
Doesn’t mean that you just have to grin and bear it!
If you always take it on the chin and wear it
You might as well be saying
You think that it’s okay
And that’s not right!

And if it’s not right!
You have to put it right!

But nobody else is gonna put it right for me
Nobody but me is gonna change my story
Sometimes you have to be a little bit…………. Naughty”

I think this might be my new mantra for this coming week.  Because life is not fair right now – for any of us.  But we do not have to grin and bear it.  We are in charge of how we react to the coronavirus and I am in charge of how I react to my cancer diagnosis.  No one else is going to put it right for us because WE are each in charge of how WE react and how WE play out OUR story every day.   God is in control of the coronavirus and my cancer; we are in control of how we respond to this present situation. 

I would love it if you would comment below to let me know what you are doing to change your family’s story this week to keep morale up!  

Have a great week!

Specific Prayer requests:

That chemo got well (tomorrow April 14 at 11:00 am). That Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday are tolerable – these have been the rough days from chemo and Nulestra shot. That chemo is effective and will work to destroy all the cancer cells.

God is our refuge and strength a helper who is always found in times of trouble.  Therefore we will not be afraid.

Psalm 46:1

So how is everyone doing?  I know – the same as we are – bored, scared, sad, and lonely.  What a week! We received news today that our Governor is putting the state on “stay at home” orders until June 10.  I mean… June 10!  Could he not give us a little hope and at least make it May 10?  For our family that means doing exactly what we have been doing all along.  Fortunately, we can still go out for walks.  For our family, our daily walks are what is helping to keep us sane.  These are crazy times.  Times we have never experienced in my lifetime – and I am no Spring Chicken!  

When I was first diagnosed with cancer it hit us like a ton of concrete. The news that the kids won’t be going back to school again this year hit us just as hard.  I was so busy with all the testing, managing doctors appointments, keeping up with life, and recovering from procedures that I had little time to process it.   Even after my first chemo, I had a hard time really admitting that I have cancer.  This week I have felt better and seem fully recovered from chemo, but it is starting to sink in that I am one of warriors that will be fighting cancer.  Like, I am one of the people the football team wears pink socks for and the cheerleaders wear pink bows for in October.    That is me!!  How can that be?  But like God always does, He has given me not only the strength to realize – yes that is me – He has provided many little “ gifts” given to me this week to remind me that yes I am a warrior fighting a battle.

I went to the hospital today for blood work prior to chemo treatment set for Tuesday.  It was surreal.  The hospital was totally empty in the office area where I was.  Everyone was in masks, no one was talking, everyone was on their own in the waiting room and we all stayed away from each other.  This even meant lining the hall 6 feet apart waiting to have blood drawn.   I can report that all my numbers were good, so we are on for chemo tomorrow at 11:30 am.

With the announcement from the Governor today, the doubts are really starting to enter my family.  Will there be any summer camps for the kids?  Can we still go on vacation?  Will our daughter get to have a graduation ceremony?  Will we ever go to church again?  Will MLB ever play – I mean the Nationals HAVE to defend their championship!   How are the kids really going to learn enough online to be prepared to start school in the Fall? Will the Easter Bunny be able to make it through the coronavirus?  How much will we owe on overdue library fines?  Will we still have a carpet in the basement once my husband goes back to work – he paces while on conference calls?   Can I really cook dinner at home almost every night?  Will the house ever be clean again? When can the men/boys in this house ever get haircuts?  The list goes on and on…

This Sunday a young college student at our church sang a song he wrote that I have decided is my new mantra.  It is entitled “The Battle is the Lord’s.“  You can listen to the song in the video below, but my favorite words are :

Even though
I walk through the valley
I will not fear
For You are with me
Thy Rod and Thy staff 
They comfort me
For the Battle isn’t mine it’s Yours

You are the God who strengthens me
You are the God who knows no defeat
You are the God who stills my soul
Because the battle isn’t mine it’s Yours

And when I stand
Atop the mountain
I won’t forget
What You’ve done for me
And I know
That You are so so good
And the battle wasn’t mine it was Yours

My new mantra for my cancer battle is “The battle is not mine it’s the Lord’s.” He will get us through the coronavirus. He will get me through cancer and at the end we will be able to say “Thank you Lord for you were there through the fire.  You oh Lord fought the Battle and allowed me to be victorious.”  

On Sunday our lesson (via Zoom) was on Romans 5:1-21.  We discussed at length Romans 5:3-5.  How do we have hope because of our suffering?  “And not only that, we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces HOPE.  This HOPE will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. “  

How do we have hope in the midst of the uncertainty of this virus?  We lean on the everlasting arms of Christ.  That is really the only thing we can do.  My family is looking for the positives of each day and not worrying about tomorrow.  We have a “Let it Go Box” where we write down our fears and concerns and place them in the box to – let them go onto God.  We end every day now knowing tomorrow will be just like today, not just literally, but at the end of the day the sun will go down and God will still be God.  

My hope is you and your family can find peace in this time, take a breath and let God be in control.

Here are my specific prayer requests:

That the chemo goes well tomorrow (March 31).  That my fatigue from chemo will be minimal.  That the aches from the Neulasta shot on Wednesday will be cause minimal achiness.  That the chemo will continue to shrink the masses in my body.  

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I hope you have a great week!