This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalms 118:24 

At dinner one night (a while ago) my youngest asked, “What is O.C.D.?”  My husband pointed to me and quickly looked away. The other two children said, “Oh, yes, that makes sense.”  In my defense, I said “Yes, I like things a certain way, put in the right place, cleaned up at night, beds made, and everything spit spot- but that just keeps things from turning into chaos!”  That does not make me O.C.D. – I mean, after all, I can function in chaos… but can I really????

Well, this chemo thing has really put that to the test.  You see, my brain is working at close to regular speed, but most days my body has not received the memo to move yet.  The other morning, I was pushing the dining room chairs back into place and my son said, “It must be tough to have OCD but move like a sloth.”   Now, mind you, he just sat there and watched me slowly move the chairs – not offering to help – but he had a valid point.  That was exactly how I felt.  My brain did not like that the chairs were out of place, but my body could not quickly react to the command.  

I think all this self-distancing is turning us all into social sloths.  We crave outside connections but are somewhat happy to stay in pajamas and talk on the phone.  Fortunately for me, I bought some nice pajamas prior to treatment so I can at least match as I spend the day in them.   I do make the children get dressed every day.  We go on walks around our neighborhood and see people on conference calls in pajamas and whatever.  I was even in the front yard in a very unflattering outfit picking up sticks.  I had no idea how bad It was until I came inside and looked in the mirror.  But let’s face it why even look in the mirror when no one is seeing you all day.

Our family, like most everyone, has discovered Zoom meetings.  The kids have had youth game night, Sunday school, school meetings, and even piano lessons using Zoom.  It is so fun to see people – I get giddy when someone new comes onto the screen.  We have had the TV on more in the background than ever, if just for some outside noise.  

The first few days of social distancing and staying home I thought “Let’s just enjoy this time together and not worry about structure.”  That lasted until Sunday and I was afraid we would have a mutiny on our hands.  So, Monday morning we set up a daily schedule.  Everyone is up, dressed and had breakfast by 9:00.  (I know – dream small).  They do schoolwork according to a schedule until 12:30. Then lunch and free time.  

The kids thought this was great the first week because I was so exhausted from chemo. Their schooling consisted of them mostly finding Bill Neigh videos for Science and School House Rock for History.   This week has looked very different because I feel mostly like myself.   Also, when I am stuck at home I clean – so that means they clean.  Honestly, the kids have been great.  The highlight of every day is taking me on a walk.  

Not much inspiring over here to pass along.  Like most we are making the best of the situation and spending family time together.  Our schools are out for the rest of the year, quite the blow for our Senior and 6^th grader.  Big events for both of them are on hold.  So, we just focus on the positive and think of alternative ways to celebrate.  We live close to DC, so we took her prom dress downtown and took a few photos, giving her at least one chance to wear her dress.

We were also able to get down to the Cherry Blossoms and get some family pictures taken.   This is a huge praise.  Another reminder that God is watching over us in all things.  Before my treatment started, I mentioned to my husband, “We should take a family picture before I lose my hair and our daughter goes off to college.”  At church the following Sunday a friend who does photography as a side job/ hobby offered to take our picture free of charge.  Wow!  Unfortunately, his wife was possibly exposed to the coronavirus, so they had to self-isolate.  Not a problem – we could do them later… except that the clock is ticking on my hair falling out.    

So, I reached out to another friend who is an amazing photographer.  She is usually booked solid at this time or year but was not taking any pictures.  She agreed to meet us downtown and snapped some gorgeous pictures.  A beautiful reminder that God is in control.  Not only did I have the energy to make it to the shoot (lots of prayer went into that), but the weather was overcast so not many people meant social distancing was easy.  Here is our favorite.

We hope you and family are well.  We continue to pray for you all and that you stay safe during this crazy time.

Specific Prayer requests 

That the cancer cells continue to shrink.  That round #2 of Chemo (Tuesday March 31) stays on schedule and is smooth.  Since no one will be able to go into treatment to sit with me, prayers that I am calm and relaxed by myself.

Have a great weekend! 

…Stop and consider the wondrous works of God

Job 37:14

One chemo down, many more to go.  So far I feel good, and all I can do is be glad one is over – dream small! Because right now, even trying to look at celebrating the end of chemo is too daunting.  The plan is to have 4 rounds every two weeks followed by 12 weeks of once a week, a total of 5 months of chemo!

As you know, I love accessories!  I don’t just love accessories for me, I love them for my house too.  Above is how my sofa looks most of time.  Yes, people do sit on it – my kids are very good at moving pillows and putting them back.  I have so many throw pillows my husband says he spends more time moving pillows on and off the bed than he does sleeping. 

But this is how my sofa looks now.   

Life right now is not the way any of us want it to be.  The coronavirus has ruined so many things!   Like all kids, mine have had so much canceled – everything, really.  Our daughter is in her senior year, and she is devastated.  Our son is in a musical at school, and he is devastated.  Our other son plays baseball, and he is devastated.  And these are just their big activities, the list goes on and on for them.    The one perk they saw to all this was they would get to stay home from school.  Then I made a home school schedule for them, and they were devastated.  Their favorite part of school is the social aspect – why else go???  

We canceled our Spring Break trip a month ago trip due to my treatments but planned to go to the beach. Now they have closed the beach, again, we are all devastated!  It seems like it will never end.  I joked with some friends that I may have the best social life of everyone these days, due to my treatment schedule.

So, what do we do? We just keep going and looking for the ways God is good and provides for us.  Even in the little things.  My daughter went on a run, because track season is not happening right now.  She thought she had turned on a pod cast by Sadie Robertson.  instead one on Loss came on so she listened to it.  She said, ”You know what?  It was exactly what I needed to hear.”  It was about how to overcome loss of any kind.  She said to me, ”That is exactly what I am feeling about the coronavirus – a loss of everything external we have going on in life.”  She told me about it, and I said, “See, God knew what you needed to hear.”

My son feels a perk of me having cancer is all the food people are bringing us – he loves to eat!  All my kids love sweets, and I love them the most.  Since my diagnosis I have had so many procedures that make me not feel like eating much.  So, we have not had sweets.  You know what?  Every time the kids are longing for something sweet we come home to a bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies on our front step. Or someone knocks on our door with brownies.  Or a package arrives with candy, or a cookie bouquet.  I take these opportunities to remind the kids that God knows, and He provides.

So, in this time or uncertainty and doubt, the one thing we know is God will provide.  Look for the little things and you will see He is there!

I love the song Dream Small by Josh Wilson.  I know it sounds crazy in this day and age of “Follow your Dreams,” “Be all you can Be,” “Don’t let anyone step on your Dreams” – to dare to dream small!    Let’s face it, the world could use some people dreaming small right now.

It’s visiting the widow down the street
Or dancing on a Friday with your friend with special needs.
These simple moments change the world
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with bigger dreams
Just don’t miss the minutes on your way to bigger things, no
Cause these simple moments change the world.”
So, dream small
Don’t buy the lie you gotta do it all
Just let Jesus use you where you are
One day at a time
Live well
Loving God and others as yourself 
Find little ways where only you can help
With his great love
A tiny rock can make a giant fall
So, dream small.”

Dream small this week- write a card to someone.  Even have your kids do the same.   Take dessert to a neighbor.  Call that friend you have been thinking about.  Send encouragement to the Mom who is suddenly homeschooling.  Send a gift card to someone out of work.  Hire a teenager to do yard work.  Sit down for 3 plus hours and play that game of Risk!  In these times of social distancing and isolation – Dream small!

Now, an update. The port surgery went off well.  Not as easy or painless as I had hoped- but I got “Happy juice” for the procedure so that was fun.  It is very sore and bruised and I have a small heat rash from the bandages.  We have decided the left side of my chest looks like really good pirate make up, complete with a bulge where the port is.  It will heal completely and every day I feel better.  

God truly sent the most wonderful team of 3 nurses and a doctor to do the MRI biopsy.  I told them they were hand-picked by God because they were just what I needed.  They were amazing and they made it as pain less as possible.  

Chris was able to wait with me for both of these procedures because the hospital was still allowing one person in with each patient.  Chemo was yesterday they allowed Chris to come back with me because it was my first time, but until the coronavirus is under control no one will be able to go back with me the following times.    I was just so happy they allowed him in the first time.  Now I know what to expect and what to bring.  I am a chronic over packer.  So, I brought entertainment, snacks, a pillow, and blanket.  It looked like I was checking in for the weekend!

I am feeling good so far after the first round.  They have great nausea meds, so  I fluctuate from exhausted to over awake due to the steroids I take for the first 4 days.  Next week is an off week.  I am looking forward to being healed from all the procedure/surgeries.  Feeling good from chemo and just getting back to life for a week.  And going on a run!  But for now all I can do is Dream Small and count the small victories!

Specific prayer requests: that I continue to heal completely; that the biopsy comes back negative; that my body continues to react well to chemo; that the chemo does its job of killing the cancer cells (I envisioned the chemo going “pew, pew” at the cancer cells yesterday!) 

Have a great week- Dream Small, just let Jesus use you where you are.  

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.

Psalm 56:3

I love this song by Zach Williams.  It says…….
“Fear he is a liar, he’ll take your breath, stop you in your steps. Fear he is a liar, he’ll rob your rest, steal your happiness… Cast your fears in the fire because fear is a liar.”  

It seems the most common item I’ve seen people carry lately is hand sanitizer… what once might have been seen as a product for the (slightly) paranoid is now becoming the must-have accessory of the season.

There is a lot of fear going around about coronavirus.  Our family is anxious because I have two procedures and chemo starting on Tuesday.  There is a lot of fear that hospitals will have other patients and not able to see me, and a big fear that treatment might be delayed. 

Now, have the doctors said any of this – no – it is just a fear I have.  I do know that I will have a compromised immune system after the first treatment, but I can’t even worry about that now with everything else in the next few days that needs to happen.  I have felt a lot of fear during all of this, but I know when I claim it and give it over to God, He gives me peace.  

So, don’t let fear rule you during this pandemic.  Stock up all the things you need, do all the things the CDC is saying to do, self-quarantine when needed, stay away from large crowds, and wash those hands all the time!  Do all this, but don’t let mindless fear dictate what or why you are doing it.   

This is a time when we as Christians need to be called to prayer.  Pray for safety, pray for the scientists and medical teams who are working round the clock to keep this under control, pray for those affected – that they will receive the treatment they need.  Pray for students and parents who are home for weeks.  Pray for college students who don’t know when they are returning to their schools. Pray for wisdom for our leaders as they make decisions.  Pray for families who are disappointed that trips have been cancelled.  Pray for our economy, pray for those in the service industry that will be losing wages, pray for those that will go hungry because they are not in school to receive breakfast and lunch. Pray for those with compromised immune systems and the elderly, pray for those who are now in fear that the medical care they need may not be delivered.   There is so much to pray for, so get on your knees and give this pandemic over to God.  

Do not let Fear win this one!  Most importantly, pray for peace and rational, effective action. This coronavirus is scary stuff for all of us.  We all need to take this pandemic to God and pray. Because fear, He is a liar!

Now a quick update, we had good news this week.  The body scans all came back clear, so no distant metastasis!  There is one spot on my left (other) breast they want to do a biopsy on.  So, I get to have an MRI-guided biopsy, which as you might know combine two of my favorite things!  We hope that the biopsy comes back negative, but the doctor indicated the treatment plan will stay the same either way.  

On Friday, I will have the port put in for chemo administration.  This will avoid many future needle pricks.  I have been told this is an easy and quick procedure.  I will be sedated for it and come home after the procedure.  Like I said, fear is a liar, no reason for me to think this will not happen tomorrow… except in my own head.  

Monday is the MRI guided biopsy.  On Tuesday, March 17, I am scheduled to begin chemo.  

Another song I love is The Break up Song by Francesca Battistelli:
“Fear you don’t own me, There ain’t no room in this story, I ain’t got time for you Telling me what I’m not Like you know me well guess what?   I know who I am.    I know I’m strong, brave, and I am free, Got my own identity, So Fear you will never be welcome here!!  
Good Bye,
Good Bye,
Fear. You will never be welcome here!

Specific prayers for me:

That surgery tomorrow goes on time and is quick with minimal pain. That the Monday MRI guided biopsy will be on time and I will have peace about the procedure. That on Tuesday, chemo can start.  Pray that my body reacts well to the chemo and it stops and begins shrinking the cancerous cells.

Have a great weekend – be appropriately cautious, but do not let Fear own you.  God is greater than the coronavirus.  

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” 

1 Peter 5:7

Thank you all again for all the prayers!  We can truly feel them, and they are truly helping us to have joy and focus on the ways God is working in this diagnosis and giving us strength.

As I posted earlier, this was the week of testing and appointments.  The good news is the hard tests are done, and now we wait for the results.  Next week will be a chemo class, blood work, and putting in a port (such fun!) so I can begin chemo on March 17^th.  

For Valentine’s Day Chris bought me a pair of pink Rothy sneakers (after I texted him a picture and a link as a subtle hint!) They are so comfortable and were the perfect accessory to make me feel good and comfortable this week.  

This past week began with an MRI on Thursday.  I was stressed about this one, as all people who have MRIs seem to be.  They were so quick with getting me prepped and in the machine that I had little time to process, which was good.   They told me it will be easy, because your head is outside the machine, and you are not enclosed.  “Great,” I thought even though I had no real idea what they meant.  The bad news that no one told me was I was on my stomach, facing backwards, in an odd contraption so they could get good pictures.  The technician gave me pillows and made me as comfortable as possible.  She gave me headphones, a panic button, and I closed my eyes thinking “okay this is fine” – not fully realizing I was not actually in the machine yet.  Then with what felt like the force of a rollercoaster taking off I was moving backwards.  To me it was as if I was strapped into the Rockin’ Rollercoaster at Disney going backwards. Reality was it moved at about the speed of a turtle.   I had a brief moment of panic then I just starting singing, “Lord I need you- oh I need you, every hour I need you.” Well guess what?  He was there and I was calmed, relaxed, and let the machine do what it needed to do.  

Test #1 down.

On Friday I had a bone scan.  I arrived at 8:30 am to get dye injected.  I have very weak veins, as the nurse said it is as if they hide to protect themselves when a needle goes into them.  Unfortunately, the MRI got my one good vein and it took her 3 pokes and some fishing around to inject the dye.  They got the dye in and then we waited for 3 hours.  Lucky there was a Starbucks and a mall close by, so I was good! Chris brought his laptop, found a chair, and I walked around the mall with my Starbucks.  We returned and they laid me down on another machine.  This one was really comfortable, compared to the MRI.  I almost fell asleep.  

Test #2 down.

After the bone scan, I had a contrasting CT scan, which meant drinking a lot of Barium.  It was Mocha favor, which I assume helped.   It was definitely not like any mocha I had ever had!   I got the first bottle down 2 hours before – feeling good.  Half of the second bottle down ½ hour before the scan – still feeling good.  They had me leave ½ bottle, which I assumed was because I am so short and did not need to drink it all.  Well, apparently I was wrong because the technician told me I had to still drink it right before the scan, because even though I am short, my intestines are still the same size as everyone else.  So, I drank it – he did let me leave a little in the bottle because I am so short – he said. 

As I mentioned earlier, my veins are not great, so I showed him my arms and explained each vein.  He said, “Well, you just sound like a whole lot of fun!”  He did his best, but after two sticks he could not find a vein.  He said if he can’t get a vein after two pricks, he gets someone else to do it.  So, he brought in reinforcements and they were able to get a vein.  Again, the CT scan was a piece of cake after the MRI.  

Test #3 down.

Last procedure of the day!  They needed to put markers in the biopsy sites, so they can know how chemo is working and, when they do surgery what to remove.  This is the procedure I was dreading all week, since the first biopsy was so painful, and I am still sore from it.  I went to a different facility for this procedure than the original biopsy.  It was beautiful!   The room where you change into a gown looked a dressing room at a high-end department store.  The waiting room in the changing area looked like there should be a harp – there were chandeliers and white modern chairs.  It was almost comical that this gorgeous place was filled with ladies wearing nothing but hospital gowns!   

The nurse and doctor were great, and they worked to make me as comfortable as possible.   It was done – so I thought – so we all thought…  

I had a mammogram to make sure the clips were in place, got dressed and was ready to go when the nurse told me to change again – the doctor needed to see me.  I knew what had happened – they did not get the clip in the right place.  They apologized and said they would need to go back in.  I told them that was how my day was going so let’s get it over with.  It was hard to reach the correct lymph node, but she was able to get to it.   Three *very* uncomfortable and painful mammograms later and we were on our way home…  

Fourth and final procedure for the day down.

We get home 11 hours after we left, where we were greeted by nine 12-year-olds having a sleep over for our son’s birthday!  Good news for me: Chris was on late night duty because I was ready to go to bed!  

So.. now we wait for the results and enjoy our weekend.  Since we did have a sleep over last night the kids are exhausted so it will be a relaxing day.  

Specific prayer requests: That the scans/test come back clear and cancer is contained in breast and lymph nodes. That my veins will strengthen. That the bloodwork and echocardiogram on Tuesday show my body and heart are healthy, for all that is to come… That the surgery on Friday to put the port in will go well.   

“He fills my life with good things!”

Psalm 103:5

Since we shared the news with everyone we have been covered in love and prayers.    We can feel the prayers – keep them coming!   It has been such a joy to receive little surprises at our door: cards, texts, emails, packages, flowers and treats.  Our youngest is thinking this might be a good thing for him.  At church on Sunday a friend said they wanted to bring over dinner.  They asked him what his favorite meal was he simply said, “fried trout from the Chart House in Old Town”. She then asked him what his second favorite meal was he simply said, “the meatloaf from Disney.”   So, she went home and found a recipe similar to the meatloaf at Disney.  It was such a blessing to have that meal ready for us when we returned home from the doctor today.

Yes, today was the initial meeting with the surgeon!  I put the wrong date in the blog – sorry.  The oncologist who read the biopsy had recommended a standard treatment plan.  Today when we met with the Breast Cancer Surgeon, she was able to give us a better understanding of what type of cancer I have and how to treat it. 

The big prayer was that testing would be scheduled quickly. God is good and they were able to schedule all the appointments that are time sensitive for this week.  That was a great feeling to have all that taken care of. So, my week will consist of an MRI, total body bone scan, CT of chest/abdominal/pelvis, blood work for genetic test, they will also need to put new markers in the biopsy sites.  I know it seems like a lot for 3 days, but I am so excited to get answers so we can start.

Chris knows the names of everything, but I just listened to the details of treatment.  What I know is due to the type of cancer I have I will start my treatment plan with chemotherapy.  They also scheduled an appointment with the oncologist for us.  We are meeting with her on Wednesday to discuss the schedule for chemo.  

Thank you for your prayers and support of our family!

Specific prayer: The cancer is contained in the breast and lymph nodes. Test will be performed with no issues. That chemotherapy will begin soon and be effective.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

So, the doctor calls and tell me the biopsy shows that there are cancerous cells in my breast and lymph nodes.  

My response, “I’m going to Disney World!”  

A little back story.  As a few of you know I had a biopsy on my breast and lymph node on Feb. 14.  A week later while on a run I received the results we were hoping not to get.  The biopsy was positive for a cancerous growth.  It was the day before I was headed to Disney to meet up with my two friends to run the Princess Half Marathon for the 9^th year in a row!  

I immediately called my husband, Chris, and shared the shocking news.  I finished up my run while having a long talk with God.  The rest of the day was a blur as I packed, went on with life and attend two band concerts.  It was horrible to receive this news and leave Chris to process the weight of this on his own.   My poor friend Kathy meet me at the airport a crying mess!  We were at Disney and I have always told my children from a young age “there is no crying at Disney.” Still, here I was at Disney facing the weight of this news.  So, I tried to hold it together for a few days.  I did finish the half marathon – I cried off and on through the first 6 miles – then sucked it up to finish.  It was a very emotional race and I anticipated crying all alone in my corral.  

Chris registered me this year and forgot to enter a qualifying time.  If you run, then you know that means I was in the last corral.  I was totally upset about having to wait over an hour once the race started before I even crossed the starting line.  God is good and He provided 3 wonderful young ladies who I talked and laughed with for the hour and half before the race.  It was a great trip and although Disney is one of my favorite places, I was ready to get home and see Chris and the kids.   

So here we are!  Next up is an appointment with the surgeon on March 2 to see what the next step is.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who hands hold it.  God is the one in control and he will carry me and my family through this.

I have always thought about writing a blog.  I feel I have so much to say, advice and opinions to give, stories to share, decorating tips, Disney trip planning advice – to name a few.  This is never what I wanted to be blogging about (I think that is a term?).  I am not a great writer, so I ask that you bear with my literary mistakes and just read the blog.

I decided to name the Blog:

Faith– it will be the Lord God and my Savior Jesus Christ who will hold me in their ever-loving arms and carry me through.

Family– I have a wonderful immediate family and extended family who will be with my family through the good and bad of this next year.  

Friends– so many who will provide the much-needed love and support and break from the stress of it all to our family

Fabulous Accessories– I will not have control over my appearance the way I want this year, but I know where to find wonderful things that will keep my sense of fashion looking good!

Our family verse through this is:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God, And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

  Philippians 4:6-7 

I thank you for reading this and appreciate you joining our family in prayer as we start on this frightening and unknown journey.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know whose hands hold it.  God is the one in control and He will carry me and my family through this.

Specific prayer for the initial surgical appointment.  Pray that tests will be done quickly, and the results will show cancer is contained.  Pray that surgery can be scheduled soon after test results.