Tired

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I am here at the beach with my family and although it has been wonderful, it has also been hard for me, mentally.  You see, usually I am on the beach early and stay late, every night is filled with walks on the beach or ice cream trips, shopping outings, Bingo and games, etc.  This year however, I only make it to the beach for a few hours and sit under the umbrella.  I am so tired just from the process of getting myself (not even the family – because Chris gets them in line) out to the beach.  I am even too tired to go on walks on the beach- one of my favorite things to do.  This has all been very frustrating for me.  You see, I missed one round of chemo and skipped this week, which in my head means I should be feeling fine.  But I am not!  The chemo has not magically left my body and returned me to feeling like myself.

I am also growing weary of this cancer process.  Sometimes I have good days, but most days are bad.  I do try to remember that I am lucky because I am not in pain, only nauseated some days.  My biggest side effect is extreme fatigue and lack of appetite.  I mean extreme – like – in bed all day.  For anyone who knows me, you know how active I am.  The fatigue is so frustrating.  

I am also tired of not having hair!  I was fine when I lost my hair, a little sad, but knew someday it would grow back.   Now we are on 3 months of no hair and I am tired of my head being cold!  I am sad to not be able to join in on the quarantine hair jokes.  I miss having to go to a salon, I miss washing my hair.  You know what?  I miss long showers.  With no hair, what is there to really do in the shower?  Now I know how men get ready so quickly!

But mostly I am tired of having cancer!  I am growing weary of every day waking up and knowing tomorrow will be the same kind of extreme fatigue day, with no hair, and making myself eat. Almost worse than Groundhog Day, because at least he felt good.

So, there it is – my pity party to myself.  I write all this because I know you can all relate.  Most of you probably have the same feelings about COVID-19.  When will it end?   When you wake up tomorrow is just another day of being stuck in the house.  The exhaustion of what to do with the kids and even more exhausting – what to do about school for the Fall?   A devotion book I am working through says, “When you throw yourself a pity party, just remember to invite Jesus.”  I have been forgetting to invite Him when I have these pity parties.  I just mostly lay in bed and think of all I am missing out on.  

Once the pity party is over, I say, “Hey God, let’s have a talk.”  So, I talk to Him and tell Him my feelings.  He reminds me how much He has gotten me through so far.  He reminds me that I asked Him that I would feel good at the beach, and I do feel good, just not as good as I want to feel.  He reminds me that I asked Him to help me make the trip, which He did. I did not feel great, but I made the car ride and slept.  He reminds me that my body has physical limitations, but He gets me through the best possible way with the physical limitations that chemo brings about.   

He will get us all through this COVID-19 mess.  And He will get me through this cancer mess.  I have 5 weeks of chemo left.  Then on to surgery for a double mastectomy, followed by radiation and possibly more chemo.  Finally, reconstruction.  All I want is to fast forward to next January – I’m sure some of you do too.  But, we cannot, so we must all take every day as it comes, thank God for what he is doing in our lives, and if you feel good thank Him for that too!

Here are my specific prayer requests:

• Next chemo is Monday July 13
• We move on Wednesday July 15
• Last 4 rounds of chemo July 21, 28, August 4, 11
• Need white and red blood cell counts to be good so I can complete the last 5 rounds without delays. 
• That the chemo works and all cancer is gone when they go in for surgery.  

Thanks for taking the time to read about my journey.